Overview
Have you ever heard someone say: “You might be hearing me, but you’re not listening to me”?
If you’re familiar with that expression, there’s a good chance you know a thing or two about the difference between hearing and listening.
While hearing and listening may seem like they serve the same purpose, the difference between the two is fairly significant. We’ll go over some of the key differences, and we’ll share tips on how to improve your active listening skills.
The definition of hearing has more to do with the physiological act of hearing sounds than it does with making sense and connecting with the person who’s talking to you.
Merriam-Webster defines hearing as the “process, function, or power of perceiving sound; specifically: the special sense by which noises and tones are received as stimuli.”
Listening, on the other hand, means “to pay attention to sound; to hear something with thoughtful attention; and to give consideration.”
Clinical psychologist Kevin Gilliland, PsyD, says the difference between the two is night and day.
“Hearing is like collecting data,” he explains.
The act of hearing is rather simple and basic. Listening, on the other hand, is three-dimensional. “People that excel at work, or in marriage or friendships, are ones that have honed their ability to listen,” says Gilliland.
When it comes to the definition of listening, we can break it down one step further. In the communication world, there are two terms experts often use: active and passive listening.
Active listening can be summed up in one word: curious. The United States Institute of Peace defines active listening as “a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding.”
In other words, this is the way you want to listen if you’re seeking to understand another person or you’re looking for a solution.
On the opposite end of the listening spectrum is passive listening.
A passive listener, according to Gilliland, is a listener who isn’t trying to contribute to the conversation — especially at work or in school. It’s not a great way to communicate with people. That’s why Gilliland says not to use it with your spouse or kids since they’ll notice it pretty quickly.
Now that you know the difference between passive and active listening, you might be interested in learning how to improve your active listening skills.
Gilliland shares six actionable tips you can use to enhance your active listening skills.
1. Be curious
An active listener has a genuine interest in and desire to understand what is being said. When you’re practicing active listening, you’re more interested in listening to what the other person is saying, rather than formulating your response.
2. Ask good questions
This can be a tricky tip, especially if you don’t know what the definition of a good question is. For the purposes of active listening, you want to avoid asking yes/no type questions, which are closed-ended.
Instead, focus on questions that invite people to elaborate. Ask for more information and clarification. “When we listen, emotions are involved, and we desperately need as much information as possible if we want to move things forward” explains Gilliland.
3. Don’t jump into a conversation too quickly
Communication doesn’t have to be at record speed. When you’re talking with someone, consider easing into the conversation. “We tend to end up arguing when we try to rush, and there’s no rushing when we need to listen,” says Gilliland.
4. Anchor yourself to the subject and don’t get distracted
“When you’re trying to have the kind of conversation where listening is key, don’t go down rabbit trails,” says Gilliland. In other words, avoid throwing out unrelated topics or insults to distract from the subject at hand, especially if it’s a difficult one.
To avoid doing this, Gilliland recommends that you ignore the noise and anchor yourself to the reason you started the conversation until it’s over.
5. Stop making up stories
Have you ever been in a conversation with another person where you feel a lot of information is missing?
Unfortunately, when we don’t have all the information, Gilliland says, we tend to fill in the blanks. And when we do that, we always do it in a negative way. That’s why he says to stop doing it and go back to asking good questions.
6. Don’t make a big deal out of being wrong
If you’re good at admitting fault, this should be a fairly easy tip for you. However, if telling someone that you’re wrong is an area you struggle with, active listening may be difficult for you.
Rather than being so invested in being right, try admitting when you’re wrong. Gilliland says it’s as easy as “My bad, I was wrong about that. I’m sorry.”
Your close friends and family know you best. So, if you’re curious about the type of listener you are, ask someone who is close to you. Gilliland recommends asking them what types of mistakes you make when you listen to them.
He also says to ask them questions about the areas you can get better. If this is a person you spend a lot of time with, you can ask them if there are particular subjects or topics you seem to struggle the most with.
In other words, ask them if there are certain conversations or topics where you typically fail to practice your active listening skills.
Active listening is a lifelong skill that will serve you well in your relationships with friends, family, and co-workers. All it takes is a bit of effort, a lot of patience, and a willingness to be present with another person, and genuinely interested in what they have to say.
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When you're in conversation with someone, it's common for your mind to drift to other thoughts. For example, maybe you have a lot on your plate, and you're thinking of what all you need to get done. Maybe you just argued with your partner, and you're still upset about it. Or, maybe you're exhausted, and you start fantasizing about how cozy your bed will be when you turn in for the night.
When your mind begins to wander, you're likely still hearing the other person, but you're not truly listening to what they have to say. However, this can negatively impact your conversations and relationships with people, if they feel that you're rarely listening to them.
With inputs from a psychologist, this article breaks down the differences between hearing and listening and describes how they impact mental health. It also provides some tips to help you become a better listener and improve your relationships.
“Many people use the words “hearing” and “listening” interchangeably; however, there are several important differences between the two,” says Kelly Workman, PsyD, a psychologist at Columbia University Medical Center. According to Workman, hearing is the passive intake of sound while listening is the act of intentionally working to comprehend the sounds [e.g., words or background noises] you hear.
The saying ‘In one ear, out the other’ speaks to the difference between hearing and listening.
— Kelly Workman, PsyD
Hearing
Passive
Involuntary
Requires no effort
Physiological perception of sound
Listening
Active
Voluntary
Requires effort
Intentional interpretation of sound
Hearing is a passive, involuntary, and sensory process in which we perceive sounds. It is a physiological response that involves our perception of sound. It does not require focused attention.
For example, if you’re watching television, you can still hear the sound of traffic or sirens outside, your neighbor’s dog barking, and people laughing in the hallway.
Listening is an active, voluntary, and intentional process that involves making sense of the words and sounds you hear; it requires your attention. In turn, you may develop an emotional response to what you hear. Listening with the intent to understand is referred to as active listening.
For example, if you’re listening to someone talk about a difficult day they had at work, you will probably have your full attention focused on them. As they speak, you will start to understand what their experience was like and the impact it had on them. This will help you make thoughtful comments and ask relevant questions to further understand their experience.
Both hearing and listening play an important role in our lives. Hearing is a form of sensory input whereas listening is a way to form connections with other people, according to Workman. She explains the role these functions play in our mental health.
Hearing is an important sense that helps us navigate the world. The loss of hearing can have a profound effect on mental health as it could lead to anger, social withdrawal, changes in our sense of self-worth, and depression.
It is important to keep in mind that using sign language and paying attention to body language are ways you can listen without the sense of hearing. You can seek mental health care if you are experiencing depression or adjustment difficulties due to the loss of hearing.
We are social beings and have a universal need for connection and belonging. Listening is what enables us to develop increased curiosity about other people’s experiences, increased compassion and empathy, and increased connection.
If you are not listening to others or being listened to, it can negatively affect your sense of connection and belonging. You can probably think of a time when you were not being listened to; the experience may have caused you to feel devalued, uncared for, and lonely, all of which can contribute to feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression.
Listening and engaging with others can strengthen your relationships. Similarly, the lack of listening can create tension and distance in relationships, make it difficult to resolve conflicts, and affect your mental health and well-being.
“People often listen with the intent to respond rather than the intent to understand. This means that they are relying more on hearing than listening,” says Workman.
Workman lists some reasons why you may be hearing and not listening:
- You may not have learned the skill of listening—this is perhaps the most common reason.
- You may be busy, distracted, or daydreaming.
- You may have social anxiety, which can make it harder to listen because you are focused on planning what to say next or worried about what others are thinking about you.
The implication of hearing rather than listening is that it might be hard to feel connected to others.
— Kelly Workman, PsyD
It’s also possible that you just might not be that interested, in which case Workman says it is important to check in with your values and have awareness of what types of connection and relationships are important to you and what type of communication partner you want to be.
It is in fact possible to become a better listener. Workman suggests some tips that can help you improve your listening skills:
- Set an intention to improve: Setting a clear goal to work on your listening skills can help you think more concretely about how, when, and who you can practice with.
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you be more present. You can practice it simply by noticing what has your attention in the moment; is it the person speaking to you or something else? If your attention is on something else, you can gently redirect your focus back to the person by noticing the changes in their voice, the words they use, and their nonverbal expressions.
- Be curious: Adopting a curious mindset allows you to truly listen and understand. In doing so, you might notice that you automatically become even more curious and interested in what the person is saying.
- Let go of judgments and assumptions: When you judge and assume things, you essentially close the door to new information which means you are less likely to pay attention and listen. Letting go of judgments and assumptions will also help you become more curious.
- Summarize what you are hearing: Repeating in your own words what you heard the other person say can communicate that you’re engaged and gives the other person an opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings.
- Ask questions: Asking relevant, open-ended questions shows that you are listening and responding in a thoughtful way. If you’re not sure what to ask, you can try to think of who, what, when, where, or how questions.
- Use nonverbal gestures: Using nonverbal cues, such as making eye contact and occasionally nodding your head, can communicate that you are listening and paying attention.
- Try to validate: While giving someone your undivided attention can be validating in and of itself, being able to acknowledge how someone’s thoughts and feelings are understandable given their history or current circumstances can be quite meaningful.
- Give advice only if required: Don’t try to solve the problem or give advice unless that is what the person is asking for. We often want to help others which is why we’re quick to offer solutions. However, this can be quite invalidating to people because a lot of the time they just want to be understood and listened to.
- Put away distractions: This can be difficult since we are constantly surrounded by distractions. However, little gestures such as putting your phone face down so you can’t see messages or notifications come through or turning away from your computer screen can help you be more focused and attentive.
- Practice compassionate listening exercises: You and a partner can each take three to five minutes to share a personal story. There should be a 15- to 30-second pause before the other person starts sharing. After both people have shared their stories, you can take a few minutes to discuss what it was like to listen and be listened to in this way.
While we often equate hearing with listening, the former is typically a passive activity whereas the latter is more active. There are in fact steps you can take to become a better listener. Making the effort to actively listen to the people around you can help you connect with them and improve your relationships with them.