Hearing someone is one thing, but truly listening? Now, thats a whole other story. With a little practice, its possible to learn how to be a better listener.
Youve likely been there: Youre sharing something important, but the person youre talking with is focused on anything but your words. Theyre looking at their phone, looking around the room, totally disengaged.
You might walk away feeling unsatisfied. Or worse, unseen.
As they say, dont be that guy. To become a polished active listener and strengthen your connections in everyday interactions, a few pointers may help.
Tips to be a better listener
Below youll get more detail on these strategic steps:
- restate
- summarize
- keep them talking: use verbal and nonverbal encouragers
- reflect
- feedback [using I statements]
- name and describe
- validate
- pause or be silent
- redirect
13 steps to actively listen
From improved relationship satisfaction to enhanced empathy, research shows that active listening is a life skill worth mastering. Heres how to train yourself to be a better listener.
Restate
When you repeat facts or important details back to someone, it sends a clear message that youre picking up what theyre putting down.
For example, So, then what happened after John called you back?
Summarize
After your conversation partner is done telling a story, find a way to thread the details together, then ask to make sure what you heard is accurate.
It may sound something like, It sounds like youre frustrated because your boss dismissed your idea, am I hearing that correctly?
Minimal encouragers
According to a2016 study, minimal encouragers can help signal your interest.
Minimal encouragers include actions like:
- making direct eye contact
- having open body language
- carrying an engaged facial expression
- nodding your head
Minimal encouragers also include employing a few verbal reactions, like:
- Wow.
- Mmhmm.
- Really?
- I see.
- Then what?
Reflect
To help someone feel heard, you can think of yourself as a mirror. Reflect back to them that youre taking their words as seriously as they are.
For example, I can see that what happened at your work meeting today was really important to you.
Give feedback
Its best practice to ask permission to give guidance, such as, I have a suggestion about how to go about this. Are you open to feedback?
If you get a green light, you could share your observations about the situation and how youve handled something similar in the past.
If the other person says they dont want your feedback, you can respond by thanking them for their honesty and moving on.
Name the core emotion
You might be able to suss out an underlying emotion to better understand what might be going on with the person youre talking with.
Psychologist Robert Putchick designed an eight-pronged wheel of foundational emotions and the sentiments that branch out from each. Its still being studied and updated today.
Identifying someones emotion when theyre communicating might look like this:
If a friend tells you a date didnt show up, you might try, You sound pensive, my friend. I hear you expressing some annoyance. If that happened to me, Id be a bit angry and sad.
If given the opportunity, probe
If appropriate, you may find it useful to dig a little deeper by asking open-ended questions or hypotheticals. For example, What will you say if they offer you the job tomorrow?
Validate
To show that youre on the same wavelength, you can express how much it means to you that someone opened up.
It could sound like, I know this wasnt easy to talk about. It means a lot to me that you feel comfortable enough to share this.
Employ the pregnant pause
Rather than jumping into a response after someone finishes speaking, soak in what you just heard. Try taking one mindful breath before you begin a sentence.
Silence
One mouth, two ears: This age-old adage exists for good reason.
Instead of being concerned about how youre going to respond, focus on what the other person is saying.
I statements
Have you ever had someone should on you? It doesnt exactly feel warm and fuzzy. You may walk away feeling criticized, judged, or blamed none of which spell good communication.
To avoid falling into a you should this or you should try that expectations and judgments trap, you can lean on I statements instead.
Redirect
If things start to go on a tangent, you may gently redirect the person youre speaking with. You could try this: Before we move on, can we back up and talk about that other thing?
Repeat back patterns, but let them draw a conclusion
Sometimes, active listening involves noticing patterns or parallels. You may find it useful to gently point out a past scenario if its relevant. Be sure to keep it open-ended, though, so the person youre talking with can do the heavy lifting.
For example: I remember you saying something similar the last time you got back together. What happened after you moved back in with him?
Common communication dead ends
Helpful questions
Some open-ended, thoughtful questions can deepen a conversation.
With that said, its important that the person youre speaking with doesnt feel like theyre in a job interview or on the witness stand. Heres how to find that careful balance.
Open-ended questions
These kinds of questions move beyond yes or no territory.
Reflective questions
We all absorb information differently, depending on our personal biases and filters. To avoid communication gaffes, take the time to double-check what youre hearing.
Less helpful questions
Before you respond, slow down and be mindful about the words you choose and how you phrase your questions.
Leading [presumptive] questions
A leading question includes your bias in a subtle way. It can make the exchange more about confirming your opinion than the speakers unique viewpoints.
If youre not careful, these questions can come across as judgmental.
Yes or no [closed-ended] questions
While brief, closed-ended questions dont exactly motivate someone to keep speaking.
Lets recap
In the age of distractions, active listening is both an art form and a vital skill to learn.
As a cardinal rule, you might think of yourself as a mirror. You can do your best to focus on what the person is saying, then reflect important details and emotions back to them, instead of focusing on your response.
The qualities of a good listener include compassion, empathy, and patience. You can try asking open-ended questions and avoiding giving unsolicited advice. If you must offer guidance, you can do so gently.
By practicing these tactics, you can learn how to be a better listener in no time.