A person can be a good communicator by being a good listener when speaking with someone

communication

Effective Communication

Want to communicate better? These tips will help you avoid misunderstandings, grasp the real meaning of whats being communicated, and greatly improve your work and personal relationships.

What is effective communication?

Effective communication is about more than just exchanging information. Its about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. As well as being able to clearly convey a message, you need to also listen in a way that gains the full meaning of whats being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood.

Effective communication sounds like it should be instinctive. But all too often, when we try to communicate with others something goes astray. We say one thing, the other person hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue. This can cause problems in your home, school, and work relationships.

For many of us, communicating more clearly and effectively requires learning some important skills. Whether youre trying to improve communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers, learning these skills can deepen your connections to others, build greater trust and respect, and improve teamwork, problem solving, and your overall social and emotional health.

Whats stopping you from communicating effectively?

Common barriers to effective communication include:

Stress and out-of-control emotion.When youre stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, youre more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. To avoid conflict and misunderstandings, you can learn how to quickly calm down before continuing a conversation.

Lack of focus.You cant communicate effectively when youre multitasking. If youre checking your phone, planning what youre going to say next, or daydreaming, youre almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. To communicate effectively, you need to avoid distractions and stay focused.

Inconsistent body language.Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that youre being dishonest. For example, you cant say yes while shaking your head no.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

Negative body language.If you disagree with or dislike whats being said, you might use negative body language to rebuff the other persons message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You dont have to agree with, or even like whats being said, but to communicate effectively and not put the other person on the defensive, its important to avoid sending negative signals.

Effective communication skill 1: Become an engaged listener

When communicating with others, we often focus on what we should say. However, effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the emotions the speaker is trying to convey.

Theres a big difference between engaged listening and simply hearing. When you really listenwhen youre engaged with whats being saidyoull hear the subtle intonations in someones voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the emotions theyre trying to communicate. When youre an engaged listener, not only will you better understand the other person, youll also make that person feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.

By communicating in this way, youll also experience a process thatlowers stress and supports physical and emotional well-being. If the person youre talking to is calm, for example, listening in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the person is agitated, you can help calm them by listening in an attentive way and making the person feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening in an engaged way will often come naturally. If it doesnt, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.

Tips for becoming an engaged listener

Focus fully on the speaker.You cant listen in an engaged way if youreconstantly checking your phone or thinking about something else. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-moment experience in order to pick up the subtle nuances and important nonverbal cues in a conversation. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their words over in your headitll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.

Favor your right ear.As strange as it sounds, the left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for both speech comprehension and emotions. Since the left side of the brain is connected to the right side of the body, favoring your right ear can help you better detect the emotional nuances of what someone is saying.

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns.By saying something like, If you think thats bad, let me tell you what happened to me. Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You cant concentrate on what someones saying if youre forming what youre going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial expressions and know that your minds elsewhere.

Show your interest in whats being said.Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes or uh huh.

Try to set aside judgment.In order to communicate effectively with someone, you dont have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully understand them. The most difficult communication, when successfully executed, can often lead to an unlikely connection with someone.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence [EQ]]

Provide feedback.If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. What Im hearing is, or Sounds like you are saying, are great ways to reflect back. Dont simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim, thoughyoull sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead, express what the speakers words mean to you. Ask questions to clarify certain points: What do you mean when you say or Is this what you mean?

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how youre feeling than words alone ever can. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better relationships at home and work.

• You can enhance effective communication by using open body languagearms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person youre talking to.
• You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal messagepatting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Improve how youread nonverbal communication

Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so its important to take age, culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.

Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Dont read too much into a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let eye contact go, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a better read on a person.

Improve how youdeliver nonverbal communication

Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words rather than contradict them. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will feel confused or suspect that youre being dishonest. For example, sitting with your arms crossed and shaking your head doesnt match words telling the other person that you agree with what theyre saying.

Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when youre addressing a child than when youre addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person youre interacting with.

Avoid negative body language. Instead, use body language to convey positive feelings, even when youre not actually experiencing them. If youre nervous about a situationa job interview, important presentation, or first date, for exampleyou can use positive body language to signal confidence, even though youre not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

Skill 3: Keep stress in check

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, youll not only avoid such regrets, but in many cases youll also help to calm the other person as well. Its only when youre in a calm, relaxed state that youll be able to know whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other persons signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or introduction to a loved ones family, for example, its important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When a conversation starts to get heated, you need something quick and immediate to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, you can safely take stock of any strong emotions youre experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately.

Recognize when youre becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if youre stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or stomach tight? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you forgetting to breathe?

Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.

Bring your senses to the rescue. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the sensessight, sound, touch, taste, smellor movement. For example, you could pop a peppermint in your mouth, squeeze a stress ball in your pocket, take a few deep breaths, clench and relax your muscles, or simply recall a soothing, sensory-rich image. Each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find a coping mechanism that is soothing to you.

[Read: Quick Stress Relief]

Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or an amusing story.

Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, youll be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that the other person cares much more about an issue than you do, compromise may be easier for you and a good investment for the future of the relationship.

Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm down. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Skill 4: Assert yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost your self-esteem and decision-making skills. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.

Developing assertive communication techniques

Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other persons situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. I know youve been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as well.

Escalating assertion can be employed when your first attempts are not successful. You become increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining consequences if your needs are not met. For example, If you dont abide by the contract, Ill be forced to pursue legal action.

Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to help build up your confidence. Or ask friends or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them first.